Phil used alcohol to help him cope with anxiety and panic attacks throughout his adult life until he collapsed and was rushed to hospital. Now sober, he has built his confidence and passed his driving test, bought a house and got a dog, as well as volunteering with the British Liver Trust. Thank you for sharing your story, Phil
I was an anxious child. I spent five years in a home and was subjected to violence from my mother’s partners. I started drinking alcohol at 14 – I liked the effect and always drank more and faster than my friends. There was nothing else to do in our village apart from a once-a-week youth club.
From early adulthood I suffered with OCD and regular panic attacks. I had to travel regularly as part of my job and became dependent on Diazepam which I initially used to cope with flying but soon used in everyday situations.
Some awful experiences in 2005 led me to Alcoholics Anonymous. My initial enthusiasm quickly waned and I gave up half-heartedly attempting to stop and drank every day but one for 10 years. For several of those years I was consuming around 200 units of alcohol a week. I would go to the same pub every day with the same crowd of very heavy drinkers and there were often fights. I’d pretend to my wife that I’d been in for most of the day, even though she’d clock my shaking hands. 
In 2015 a GP said my liver was starting to struggle, but that was as far as I allowed the conversation to go because I couldn’t deal with not drinking. In 2018 another GP sent me straight to A&E. There I was told I had ascites and needed draining, but they didn’t explain how serious it was. I discharged myself the next day against medical advice and was back in the pub within an hour.
Shockingly unwell
In the next four months I became shockingly unwell. I couldn’t have a clear conversation because of the brain fog, was sweating like crazy, couldn’t keep any alcohol down, started wetting myself, vomiting blood, had blood in my stools and would get halfway to the bathroom, collapse, then crawl back to bed. Somehow, I could still get to pub where I’d spill a third of my drink because my hands were shaking so much.
On the day of my last drink, (September 5th, 2018) I collapsed in the pub. I’d only had one pint, but a mouthful of another one made me gag. I collapsed again at home and an ambulance took me to A&E where I lost control of every part of me. The degradation was horrendous. There was bloody vomit, urine and bloody faeces and I had to wear adult diapers and was crying, wondering what I had done to myself. I was put on a rehydration drip while they tried to detox me and had several blood transfusions. A few days later I had stabilised and was sent to the high dependency liver disease ward.
The British Liver Trust website was a godsend. It’s so good for information and I still direct people to it.
A guy from a local recovery organisation came to see me and I got angry with him for calling me an alcoholic. I tried convincing myself I had appendicitis but was diagnosed with cirrhosis (this was changed some years later to stage three fibrosis). Now I finally understood that if I continued to drink, I would soon be dead. I was only 46. After two weeks my mobility was still very restricted, but they wanted to discharge me. I was given a diet plan, a list of AA meetings and one page of information which included a godsend – the British Liver Trust website. It’s so good for information and I still direct people to it.
I went straight to bed when I got home and could barely walk for the first few weeks. I felt denial, moments of clarity and shame for what I’d put my wife through. Eventually I went back to the pub and drank J20 with my old crowd, but I was the only one sober and there was no common ground whatsoever. I didn’t need AA to tell me that it wasn’t somewhere I should be.
After nine months of being sober I joined a local relapse prevention group which worked really well. The anxiety had gone away to an extent when I stopped drinking, but it took a year of sobriety to walk a couple of hundred yards from my house without taking a tranquiliser.
When my wife and I volunteered at the British Liver Trust’s roadshow I’d been sober about 13 months and it was one of the best things I’d ever done for my confidence. I did another two roadshows, a TV interview with the BBC and on the radio and wasn’t drunk or sedated. I still didn’t feel well a lot of the time but was living life differently and enjoying it.
Recovery from addiction
I even managed a month-long holiday in Sierra Leone in 2020 – it was the first time I’d flown sober for 20 years. In 2024 my liver specialist said I was ready to be discharged and when my mum sadly died in 2025 the thought of drinking barely crossed my mind.
I’ve met very few people in recovery who I didn’t like – you take away the booze and other substances and you generally have a very fragile person.
Recovery from addiction can be extremely emotional, exciting, boring, confusing, conflicting with thoughts of drinking – particularly in the early days. For me it wasn’t so much missing alcohol but finding ways to fill the time I’d previously spent drinking.
With the support and encouragement of my wife I started to build my confidence and got into gardening, volunteering, DIY and passed my driving test at 50. We bought a house and adopted a rescue dog. I also stopped smoking.
I truly think life is better this way. I’ve met nobody “in recovery” who regretted giving up drinking or said their life was better when they were an active problem drinker.
