David had experienced depression since childhood and for the next three decades alcohol provided a lift ‘out of the mire’ until he was hospitalised in March 2023. Thank you for sharing your story, David
I have lived with depression ever since I can remember and really struggled through childhood and my teen years. It just happened that I stumbled upon alcohol when I was 15, before any kind of therapy or medical intervention. It gave me the lift out of the mire that I craved, and it was instant. Alcohol was my best friend.
I rarely took a break from it for the following 30 years and it was mainly heavy binge drinking at any opportunity, for any reason. Although it gave me that lift, it also changed my character and behaviour significantly. Yes, I was more confident, but I had a temper and my mood would swing at the drop of a hat. Over the years GPs would talk to me about me cutting down or abstaining, but I wasn’t convinced it was a problem and didn’t feel like an alcoholic.
I lost jobs, friends and fell out with family. I had financial woes. I didn’t know anything about making a home or settling down, I would sofa surf, move around, be a bit of a rolling stone. I just couldn’t manage real life stuff, I felt I had no choice, it was all about not being that depressed child.
The most stable part of my life was between 2009-2019. I met the love of my life and had a good set of friends, but I couldn’t curb the daily after-work drinking habit. It got really tiring for those around me, but I would defend my right to a beer. It was more than that though, I was hiding in plain sight, not declaring my addiction or wanting to believe it was one. Eventually my relationship broke down, my life’s biggest regret.
Blood tests
My last three or four years of my drinking were isolated. After work I would get home and drink significant amounts of alcohol. I eventually couldn’t carry on at work anymore, so I left. From 2014 onwards I avoided going for a blood test – I just didn’t want to know what the results might be because I had been given mild warnings from the GP for a good 10 years prior to that about my liver enzymes etc. Basically, I buried my head in the sand.
In November 2022 I ended up in hospital for a week to detox. I thought I was cured, this is it, new start, onwards and upwards. I only managed a few weeks, then I thought because I’ve done so well so I will get a bottle of whiskey as a pre-Christmas treat. It can’t do any harm.
Well, it did. It triggered off my underlying addiction to alcohol. It got so bad I was up to three litres of vodka, 20 cans of strong cider and a bottle of wine every single day. I stopped eating completely, stopped looking after myself and gave up on life.
Even though I thought I was a lost cause, the guys from the local alcohol service didn’t. In March 2023 they came around, looked at the situation and took some bloods with a plan for a home detox. A day or two later they were back, the home detox was not suitable because my bloods were too dangerous, so I had to go into hospital that evening.
I had all of the symptoms – jaundice, ascites, sarcopenia, vomiting and excreting blood, skin issues and so on, and we didn’t know if I would make it.
The first week or so in hospital I was experiencing psychosis which was distressing. When I came round and was compos mentis I was told I was in liver failure and very poorly. I had all of the symptoms – jaundice, ascites, sarcopenia, vomiting and excreting blood, skin issues and so on, and we didn’t know if I would make it.
I had an ascites drain which took litre after litre of abdominal fluid, after that I got SPB (spontaneous bacterial peritonitis), and sepsis. I was probably in a single digit percentile for survival at that point.
I spent approximately two months in hospital, had a Child-Pugh score of 11 (severe), FibroScan was 75kpa (highest it goes) and was diagnosed with decompensated end-stage liver disease (cirrhosis).
When I went home to recover, there seemed to be a huge void of not knowing what would happen. I was told ‘we will know more in six months at your review’. That naturally took me to the internet which can be a frightening place to research a diagnosis, with a lot of contradictory information.
I became aware of the British Liver Trust in hospital and was given leaflets with helpful information and resources etc. Then I checked it out online and on socials to understand the jargon and read people’s stories. Knowing there is a vast community out there with similar stories is a great comfort, and the information available is easy to understand on the BLT website. It made me believe I could begin to recover and reclaim my life.
Learning to cope
By joining an online liver disease community I quickly became more at ease and made some great friends. It helped me learn to cope, and speaking to others who had been living with the same diagnosis for many years was a great comfort.
On discharge I had been prescribed Rifaximin, Lactulose, Spironolactone, Carvedilol, Co-Trimoxazole, Cyclizine, Omeprazole, Folic Acid, multivitamins and Fortisips. However, one-by-one and review-after-review my medications were whittled down, my imaging showed positive changes and my bloods were consistently in range. My liver is compensated again and my Child- Pugh score has gone down to 5 (mild) and now I am completely med free. I have a six-monthly ultrasound and bloods for monitoring purposes and am currently taking part in an HCC study which aims to improve surveillance methods, early detection and diagnosis of liver cancer in people with cirrhosis. I can hopefully live out a full life without transplant. A life of living.
Eventually I also got talking again with my former partner and we’re now close friends. She and my friends have helped me more than they know through my sobriety and recovery and I owe them the world. I just wish things had worked out differently. Going forward I would really like to work in the addiction and recovery field and leverage my lived experience into something positive and be an advocate for people with ARLD.
If my story sounds familiar to yours – acknowledge that you have a problem. Don’t bury your head in the sand as long as I did. Be proactive in your health and get those bloods done. Seek help and self-refer or ask your GP to refer you to your local alcohol and drugs service – people that will listen. And request a FibroScan and ultrasound.
In sobriety, take your time with recovery, one day at a time, do not clutter yourself with fancy ideas, hobbies or schedules that are unmanageable in the beginning. Do simple things – walk, stretch, eat healthily, journal, appreciate nature and look forward to quality time with family and friends. Clear your mind and your new path and gradually build up your life. There’s plenty of life left to give.
I’m now 47 and have been sober since 28th March, 2023, the day I went into hospital. It’s proof we can turn it around from the most dire situations. Connection, not isolation, is the key.
